i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
