Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
