Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
