remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
