Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
