So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
