When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
