how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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