literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
