scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
