i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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