My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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