you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
