Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
