Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
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If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
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no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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