i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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