I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
