I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Randomize
