The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
