Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
