We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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