My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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