So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
