ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
