i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
