So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
