We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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