Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
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