it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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