does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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