all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
NoShamevember. You game?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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