Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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