swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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