remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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