I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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