I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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