I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
