I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
