4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
