No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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