just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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