One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
