New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
