speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
