I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
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I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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