some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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