Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
