$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
