im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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