I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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