Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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