I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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