I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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