don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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