birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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