never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
