my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
