I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
