he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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