Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
