You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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