I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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